"She got lost along the way when she was trying to find herself. She found one thing, two things, and got excited and stopped. Then she took what she found and tried to apply them to all areas of her life. But the puzzle pieces didn't fit. And she got confused. And then she got sad. And then she remembered that it's not about finding one thing, two things. Because she can be more things. She can be more things. So she has more to be excited about. She can be excited and she does not have to stop. She can search again and again."
I really want to take certain parts of my life and throw them in the trash. The parts of my life that I want to throw away are the parts that I feel like I inherited from my upbringing. They are the parts of me that feel like they do not belong to me. This need to travel to a 9-to-5 everyday and sit in a cubicle.....this ain't my life. This does not belong to me. I inherited the need from my upbringing. My mother told me to get a job. A job represents stability and security. I understand how and why stability and security add to the quality of my life. What I also know is that a job does not. What I know is that a job actually gives a false sense of security and stability for us. How are we secure when we have to behave a certain way in order to maintain security? How are we stable when we are not in control of our stability? That's not how life works. I rejected it the entire time I participated in that life. I still do.
I admire the position younger people with little to no responsibility are in. They have (regardless of whether they take advantage of it or not) the time and the space to find who they are. I didn't have that space. I started making distracting decisions at the age of 14. I was running from myself. I didn't know that this is what I was doing. I also didn't know that I was supposed to be running to myself. I'm still making peace with this. I know the danger of living with regrets. One of my life's challenges is the ability to trust the process. It's a process to know deep down inside that every day is a day in the right direction and that there are no mistakes. It's tempting to romanticize what could have been. It's also pointless.
So as my children age and I get closer and closer to live out my life as the next version of me, I get excited because I know that I have both time and opportunity. I get antsy sometimes. I'm still am curious about what is to come. I'm looking forward to the search.
It's been almost a calendar year since I've been here to update my website and the blog. I knew it had been a long time, but I didn't realize that it had been THAT long. I have been busy.....busy evolving, building, destroying, learning, and figuring things out.
I spent a lot of time with a mentor working on The Black Money Matters Project's new website and blog. I revamped the brand with the new information. I learned some new things about business and myself. I'm being stretched and grown in ways that I'm still reeling from.
On March 1st, I will be celebrating 1 calendar year of a sugar-reduced diet. During that time, I reduced my processed sugar intake to an average of less than 25 grams per day. That meant I cut out almost everything that gave me any kind of food pleasure. I traded in processed food pleasure for a more stable mood, lessened PMS symptoms, 14 lbs of excess weight, the ability to sit through cravings, and a sense of accomplishment. It's a fair trade off.
I put together some things that helped me to grow (read I failed at some things). I'm still making peace with being able to start and change directions as needed (read fail) because all of that is part of the process. I haven't accepted that as much as I know I need to. I guess that's part of the process too, huh? I'm still working on trusting the process of life. In theory, I know how all of this works. I've been saying that for years. I'm struggling to be more gentle with myself when I think of the ways in which I fall short when trying to trust the process. I'm getting better. I just want to be the best at it. But I know this ain't how that works.
In the meantime, I'm holding myself accountable for stepping things up to get closer to the potential I know that I have in me. I'll be back to talk about my recent experience with the Undoing Racism workshop.
The last 3 Sundays have been very interesting. Today was quiet. I spent a lot of time thinking about success and succeeding. That was the theme of the day. The last two Sundays have brought some hard, but necessary lessons on compassion, anger, openness, and being loving.
My inclination was to resist at first. Then I remembered that I started asking for an increase in compassion and patience and understanding. It hit me (hard) that all of this (perceived) hardship was really just opportunity to exercise my compassion, patience, and understanding muscles. That caused a shift. There was an evolution in my perspective. I realized that I was resisting what I have been asking for. This is what was causing me strife. It wasn't the people, it wasn't the experiences. It was the resistance.
And because I resisted what I was asking for, it persisted. It intensified. The opportunities increased. But I was looking at them incorrectly. I didn't see them as opportunities. I saw them as obstacles and annoyances. And persist and intensify they did...some more. It wasn't until I remembered...it wasn't until I recognized what was happening as the delivery of what I'd been requesting that I was able to relax. And once I relaxed....once I remembered, my experience opened up.
This is what Sundays have been for me recently. And it's been a beautiful thing.
This person I'm creating....this LIFE and PERSON I'm creating with the decisions I have recently made and make and continue to make is on purpose. I'm shedding things that no longer belong to me or that never belonged to me. I picked them up and took them with me because someone said they were mine and I believed them.
This woman I'm creating....this LIFE and WOMAN I am creating with the choices I continue to make is on purpose. I owe it to myself and everybody else to be the best version of me. I fall short, I fall down, I fall backwards, I fall forward, but I will NEVER STOP creating her. I will put down things that do not belong to me. I will refrain from picking up things that do not belong to me. I will embrace ALL the things that belong to me and I will LOVE the things that belong to me.
I'm not perfect. I do not aspire to be perfect. And I have a vision in mind of the woman I am creating by doing and undoing. And I watch that vision manifest itself into my reality.
Note to self: you are not your past. you are your past combined with the choices you make and the power you use to create. This is what self-love and determination look like.
Suffer from unbearable periods, horrible pms symptoms, fibroids, heavy cycles, endometriosis or other female reproductive/womb issues? Then you need a WOW basket (Woman's Organic Wellness). Baskets will contain products and information geared towards ORGANIC womb care/female reproductive health!
The contents are as followed: 1 copy of Sacred Woman (this book is like a bible for womb care, it tells you how to not just treat but cure/reverse ailments of the womb), 1 sample pack containing a natural/organic pad, tampon, and panty liner, 1 box of disposable menstrual cups, 1 box of Woman's Moon Cycle Tea, 1 box of Raspberry leaf tea, Black Cohosh vitamins (in vegetarian capsules, womb massage oil, organic honey, organic turmeric, organic ginger root, organic garlic, a wholefoods gift certificate, a gift certificate for The Womb Sauna, information on how all these items relate to womb health, and instructions on how to use them. Also contained is info for places you can purchase these products and activities that aide in healing/preventing ailments of the womb! And of course there is THE CHOCOLATE! (healthier chocolate)
Each basket valued at over $100 BUT will be raffled off once per month! Raffle tickets $3 each/ 4 for $10!
Contact La'Keya Randall for more information
I have a lot of work to do. I have a lot on my plate. I actually have 3-4 plates filled with things that I need to do. I'm not speaking from a position of complaint. I'm actually excited (and intimidated) about everything that's in front of me.
Several times in my life, I reached points of no return. I'm sitting on one currently. The idea that I would be able to abandon what I chose to accomplish left a long time ago. It's no longer a matter of if. It's when and the time is now and it's crucial.
And it's uncomfortable. Testing my own personal boundaries and limits is what's being required of me. I'm outgrowing some current people, places, and things. I'm busting out. That is all.
Be on the lookout for updates!
Check out the updated video information below
I was trying to remember the last time I updated my website with my event information. Your girl is SLIPPIN. I've been so busy doing that I haven't been updating. It dawned on me that it's absolutely ridiculous to have a website and NOT keep it updated with my moves.
I used to be really good at it. I was especially good with it last year. This year has been action with very little update. I've definitely been busy.
The thing about maintaining an Ellen Gee work schedule has been a challenge for me my entire Ellen Gee life. Some things I'm excellent at handling. And then there are the social media things. I'll get better. This I know. In the meantime, I will do a recap. I need to do it because I need to talk about the things I've been doing to remind myself of exactly how awesome this life of mine really is and is consistently becoming.
Please make a donation of any amount here to help the efforts of Munir Bahar and the #300Men movement to end violence in Baltimore. We reached critical mass earlier this year and want to end violence (specifically teens and young adults murdering one another) for good.
Thank you in advance for your help.
I'm Ellen Gee. When I'm honest, we learn things. When I'm not, we learn things too.
Capturing the Past