Man listen......If someone would have told me 2 years ago that at 40 years old, I would be in the gym at least twice a week, counting calories, in physical therapy for frozen shoulder, having bones cracking all over the place, have crow's feet and under eye wrinkles, gaining at least 15 pounds, and reworking my whole entire existence, I would have called them a ball-headed liar.
It was all good just a year ago. I know that 40 signifies a lot of things for women. We get to be "grown". And not in the 21 year old way either. I've been prepping myself for 40 since I was 35. Well, I thought I was. I never even factored my physical body into the equation.
I'd been preparing mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, but I left my body off the to-do-list. I never had to think about these things before. I ate what I wanted. I partied when I wanted. I wore what I wanted. In retrospect, I have to ask myself whether or not I took my body for granted. I just know in me never having to think about it, all of this "new stuff" is banging at my front door.....loudly I might add.
One of my favorite sayings is With Age Comes Wisdom. At 40, now I know that with age comes a change in my approach to my physical well being. I have to go about things in a much different way today. I don't want my body to fail me and I do not want to fail it. Accepting that things have to be different now hasn't been as much of a challenge as I thought it was. I don't know if it was vanity or what, but I looked up and realized that things were going to hell in a hand basket. So I got on it. I might even incorporate some acupuncture back in my regular routine.
I'm 6 months into this new decade in my life. This is NOT a game...clearly. I'm on it thought. I've had a good run in this body of mine. If I want to continue the run, I have to do things differently. I'm ok with that.
She resurfaced and I'm excited. She went missing last Fall and I've been somewhat struggling without her.
BUT SHE IS BACK BABY!!!
For those of you not in the know, the cheerleader is the woman inside of me who pumps me up and keeps me going when I feel like I want to give up. She's the one who reminds me that I am the only version of me that this planet is going to get. She's the one who helps me to find my SELF when things feel like they are out of control. She's the one who tells me to GO when I want to stop.
SHE IS BACK! And I am thankful and ready!
I've been having this feeling lately. I'm struggling to accurately describe it. It's not sadness. I don't think I'm sad. I have been a little perturbed lately. But I realize that it's because I've been minding other people's business lately. It's easy to get swept up in those kinds of feelings when I'm minding other people's business.
So back to this feeling....
When I'm not minding other people's business, I have a mix of feelings. I feel calm, yet a bit antsy. I feel boredom, but yet peaceful. I feel like I should be being productive, but I'm not that motivated. I have a desire to create, but am searching (quite unsuccessfully I might add) for that spark of inspiration.
I'm not "as into" horoscopes and numerology as I was some years ago. According to them both, though, this is a time of preparation and reflection for me. It's not a time for a whole lot of action. I actioned myself out last year anyway.
What this feels like is me standing at my front door waiting for a cue to open it and go outside into the world. I'm just standing there waiting though. I feel like I should be using this time to cultivate SOMETHING. I feel like I should be using this time more wisely. I guess that's where the antsy comes from.
I'm also trying to find the place inside of me that is willing to embrace this experience, so that I can take advantage of it. But I just keep feeling like I need to bust a move.
No resolution just yet. Just expressing. *shrugs*
I'm Ellen Gee. When I'm honest, we learn things. When I'm not, we learn things too.
Capturing the Past