Here are my Top Ten Moments in 2014 (in no particular order):
Getting braces. Operation Hollywood Teeth commences.
Traveling to New York and Philadelphia with the kids.
The Gee Thang Drink Launch event.
Going through intensive group therapy.
Turning 40 - #FortyShorty
Going to my 1st Drag Queen Show
Moving on from an unhealthy relationship.
The Divas DISH presents The Vagina Monologue DISHcussions
The Final Perspectives Relationship Rap Session
Ending The Evolution of Perspective on Blog Talk Radio after 5 years.
I was inspired to write a list of the things I learned this year. The way my attention is set up right now, I wouldn't be able to cough up 10 things and writing the top 3 seemed petty. Soooooooo, if necessary, I'll write another blog but in the meantime, I'll share (in no particular order) the top 5 things I learned in 2014.
5. People are crazy
I mean this from the bottom of my heart and I include myself with "people". After spending time on a Psych unit in October, what I believed about the average person was confirmed. There are a lot of people walking around with unresolved and untreated mental health issues, trauma, and emotional pain. Fear, anger, shame, guilt, and sadness push people around and control their actions and reactions.
4. People are in their element with negativity
We claim we want peace, but I think that peace is boring, uncomfortable, and unattractive to the average person. It's not exciting enough. We thrive on drama, chaos, negativity, heartache, and general malaise. It's familiar and it's comfortable because it's what we know.
3. Accept people for who they are
If someone isn't a leader, accept it. If someone is a liar, accept it. If someone is a good person to everyone but you, accept it. If I am any of these things, accept it. The difference between me and others is that I can change me if I choose to. I know damn well I can't change other people. I can remind them of who they are or maybe inspire change but I'm no puppet master and that's o.k. with me.
2. I can and will say NO
Not being able to say no contributed to my breakdown this year. I realized that between a need to be liked, a need to be helpful, and a need to give people what I want in return, I was saying yes to everyone else except for myself. I didn't give me time to breathe. I didn't give me time to relax. Hell, I didn't give me time to catch up to actually do all of the things I committed myself to. I realize that saying no to others is most important when it means that I am saying yes to myself. And I can and will say YES to myself.
1. Loving and caring for yourself is a full-time job
There's no vacation time, sick time, PTO, or resigning from it. The thing I know is that loving yourself, like a lot of other things in like, is a skill and a habit. Caring for yourself is a daily activity that requires awareness. Loving yourself is a daily activity that requires mindfulness. They say being a parent is the hardest job on the planet. I think loving and caring for yourself is the hardest. So many things are designed to prevent us from it. So many obstacles stand in the way before I even realized that it was something that I was required to do. And by the time I figured out exactly what I was supposed to be doing, I had to dig myself up from under all of the accumulated life that gathered around and on me. And it's a consistent work in progress that requires mind, body, and spirit to work in harmony more often than not. AND people may or may not cooperate. *le sigh* It's all good though because it's not on them, for them, or with them that I love and care for myself.
Ok, 2014. You sure showed me.
Dealing with feelings (guilt, anger, sadness, shame, and fear) and trying to jump start the next chapter of my life has been challenging. I haven't relaxed in so long that my mind seems determined to coerce my body into relaxation mode by any means necessary. The desire to do things hasn't left me. The push to get up to do is chillin in the background.
I'm checking in with myself to make sure that I'm not depressed. I don't feel sad. I don't feel hopeless. There is no despair.
I'm checking in with myself to make sure that I'm not angry. I've been saying no. I haven't had any outbursts. I have not been raging.
I have been feeling some apprehension lately. On a scale of 1 to terrified, it's about a 3 on the fear scale. It's not unmanageable. A shift in perspective about rejection will help to quell it.
All in all, I'm in a good space mentally and emotionally. I suppose I'm just prepping myself for what's to come. That's what it feels like. In any event, I'm good right now. I hope you are as well.
I get nervous reading that second definition. The word restricts is poking me in the eye. Most of the time when I think about commitment, I think about either time or relationships. Anything else feels more like obligation. I don't know what it is about obligation and restriction that feels so wrong to the human spirit. This desire for freedom is unreal. I love it though.
and you can learn about one of them here. My friends are so talented.
I decided at the last minute (last minute being just now) to give myself some things for Christmas. In retrospect, I can't say that I've been especially good to myself this year. I worked. I grinded. I supported. I celebrated sure. But I did all of that from a place inside of me that needs to succeed.
The place inside of me that needs to be nurtured has been neglected. I think I polished my toenails 6 times this year. I THINK. I used to keep my toes on 10. My feet stayed on point. And polishing toenails regularly might seem like a superficial indicator of how deep my love is for myself to some. What it meant for me was that I took some time for me. I spent time, money, and effort on me.
I used to take sensual baths. I would light candles. I would play soft music. And I would just chill. I don't even remember the last time I did something like that for myself.
So I decided to give myself time and effort for Christmas. That's what I'm giving to me. It's long overdue.
I wanted to write a letter to my feelings. I wanted to write to explain to them while I understand that they exist and have a right to, I'm still not ok with being in the quiet room with them all of the time. I wanted to express how scary it is to have to sit and wait on them to do whatever it is they are trying to do. I wanted to find the words to capture the....well...the feelings that I feel when I have to feel my feelings.
In my quest for evolution...if I can call it a quest, I have learned to identify my feelings. That was a major hurdle for me in my past. I was used to experiencing certain feelings. Identifying them was another task altogether.
Well, there I was...super excited and feeling myself because I would finally be able to identify these feelings. I could put some names on em. I felt accomplished. I went on to identify the hell outta them. I feel THIS. I feel THAT. THIS is what I am experiencing. THAT is what this feels like.
HOORAY for me and my feelings.
I learned years later that not only do I have to identify my feelings and effectively communicate to someone what they are, I also have to FEEL THEM MOTHERFU....I have to feel them as well.
NOW THIS is a whole 'nutha level of experience and evolution y'all. FEEL some FEELINGS. What part of the game is this? So you're telling me that I have to FEEL sadness? I can't just say I'm sad. I have to identify, acknowledge, express, AND FEEL too. I didn't sign up for this madness. But hold up, I did. Well not sign up...but I signed on and ok I am here AND I want my experience to be a quality one so DAMMIT JIM.
So here goes....
I promise to identify, acknowledge, express, validate, and FEEL YOU. I also promise to do anything else that is required so that we can work together to make sure I have a quality experience.
It might take me a minute because I'm not used to sitting still with you. And by minute I mean time but I promise to practice.
I'm not speaking from a place of arrogance when I say that when I'm in my zone, I'm the truth.
I've been existing in my zone energy lately. It feels good. I feel myself getting to better. I've been working to getting there for quite some time. I just stuck my key in the door.
I'm Ellen Gee. When I'm honest, we learn things. When I'm not, we learn things too.
Capturing the Past