My previous inclination when the “world” tried to make me do anything was to crumble and fall. I would cower and then I would feel a surge of both inspiration and power and I would come out fighting….or at least ready myself for one. I understand this process. It’s previous programming. It’s not instinct. It’s learned behavior. It was a coping mechanism. The thing about coping mechanisms is that we trick ourselves into believing that they’re still applicable in our normal day to day. Knee-jerk reactions are a signal that I’m not existing in the now. Is the reaction even appropriate in the current situation? I don’t even think about it so I don’t question. I don’t choose. I give my power over to the past. I screw my face up when I realize that this is what my day-to-day experience has been. Knowing is both a gift and a curse.
I saw a sign that read “Change fear of the unknown into curiosity”. How empowering is that? Completely!
I told myself I was little and I believed it. I told myself I wasn’t good enough and I believed it. I told myself I had to stay below the radar and I believed it. I’m confused about why we believe a lot of the negative things we secretly say and think to ourselves and fight so very hard to connect to the idea that we are greater than we believe. We forgot that we are light and when we are reminded we question and fight the notion because we believe in our darkness.
The quality of my life is based on the quality of my choices. This I know. I think I've gotten to the point in my life where I'm as aware of this as possible without applying it completely to my life. It's frustrating. The old me is scared to die. She's afraid to be replaced. She thinks she still has some years to be. She's like the house guest from hell. I think I need to file for an eviction and call the sheriff.
I'm Ellen Gee. When I'm honest, we learn things. When I'm not, we learn things too.
Capturing the Past