I wanted to write a letter to my feelings. I wanted to write to explain to them while I understand that they exist and have a right to, I'm still not ok with being in the quiet room with them all of the time. I wanted to express how scary it is to have to sit and wait on them to do whatever it is they are trying to do. I wanted to find the words to capture the....well...the feelings that I feel when I have to feel my feelings.
In my quest for evolution...if I can call it a quest, I have learned to identify my feelings. That was a major hurdle for me in my past. I was used to experiencing certain feelings. Identifying them was another task altogether.
Well, there I was...super excited and feeling myself because I would finally be able to identify these feelings. I could put some names on em. I felt accomplished. I went on to identify the hell outta them. I feel THIS. I feel THAT. THIS is what I am experiencing. THAT is what this feels like.
HOORAY for me and my feelings.
I learned years later that not only do I have to identify my feelings and effectively communicate to someone what they are, I also have to FEEL THEM MOTHERFU....I have to feel them as well.
NOW THIS is a whole 'nutha level of experience and evolution y'all. FEEL some FEELINGS. What part of the game is this? So you're telling me that I have to FEEL sadness? I can't just say I'm sad. I have to identify, acknowledge, express, AND FEEL too. I didn't sign up for this madness. But hold up, I did. Well not sign up...but I signed on and ok I am here AND I want my experience to be a quality one so DAMMIT JIM.
So here goes....
I promise to identify, acknowledge, express, validate, and FEEL YOU. I also promise to do anything else that is required so that we can work together to make sure I have a quality experience.
It might take me a minute because I'm not used to sitting still with you. And by minute I mean time but I promise to practice.
I'm Ellen Gee. When I'm honest, we learn things. When I'm not, we learn things too.
Capturing the Past