"She got lost along the way when she was trying to find herself. She found one thing, two things, and got excited and stopped. Then she took what she found and tried to apply them to all areas of her life. But the puzzle pieces didn't fit. And she got confused. And then she got sad. And then she remembered that it's not about finding one thing, two things. Because she can be more things. She can be more things. So she has more to be excited about. She can be excited and she does not have to stop. She can search again and again."
I really want to take certain parts of my life and throw them in the trash. The parts of my life that I want to throw away are the parts that I feel like I inherited from my upbringing. They are the parts of me that feel like they do not belong to me. This need to travel to a 9-to-5 everyday and sit in a cubicle.....this ain't my life. This does not belong to me. I inherited the need from my upbringing. My mother told me to get a job. A job represents stability and security. I understand how and why stability and security add to the quality of my life. What I also know is that a job does not. What I know is that a job actually gives a false sense of security and stability for us. How are we secure when we have to behave a certain way in order to maintain security? How are we stable when we are not in control of our stability? That's not how life works. I rejected it the entire time I participated in that life. I still do.
I admire the position younger people with little to no responsibility are in. They have (regardless of whether they take advantage of it or not) the time and the space to find who they are. I didn't have that space. I started making distracting decisions at the age of 14. I was running from myself. I didn't know that this is what I was doing. I also didn't know that I was supposed to be running to myself. I'm still making peace with this. I know the danger of living with regrets. One of my life's challenges is the ability to trust the process. It's a process to know deep down inside that every day is a day in the right direction and that there are no mistakes. It's tempting to romanticize what could have been. It's also pointless.
So as my children age and I get closer and closer to live out my life as the next version of me, I get excited because I know that I have both time and opportunity. I get antsy sometimes. I'm still am curious about what is to come. I'm looking forward to the search.
I'm Ellen Gee. When I'm honest, we learn things. When I'm not, we learn things too.
Capturing the Past