My cheerleader is gone. She got tired. She packed up her overworked pom poms and rolled right out. I’m sitting here wondering when she’s coming back. I need her. But I overworked her.
I spent the bulk of 2014 doing 100 miles easy. I kept telling myself that I needed to grind. The grind does not grind itself. The brand does not brand itself. And my network will not increase from the comfort of my living room. Looking back on my year, I now realize that I exhausted myself. I’m tired physically. I’m tired mentally. And more importantly, I’m tired emotionally and psychologically.
I am currently unable to “feel” much of anything. That’s partially due to the crash I had recently. I reluctantly have to admit that I was not successful at being Super Woman this year. I hit a brick wall…..HARD. Most of the things I did for others this year were overshadowed by a strong sense of resentment and regret. I did not want to help all of the people I helped. I did not want to be there for all of the people I was there for. I did not care for myself the way I needed to as a result of my choices. I thought I was being brilliant by being there for others in spite of my feelings. What I ended up with was a severely depressed mood and irritability and anger beyond measure. I also ended up having a nervous breakdown.
And as a result of all of this, I can’t find my cheerleader. She usually tells me that things are going to be OK. She usually tells me that I’m the only me this planet gets and that I am required to rep my “me” in a way that pays homage to that fact. But she’s not here right now. So I've been floating. I've been coasting. I've been letting the wind carry me to places I can’t get to on my own.
I need a good cry, but I can’t find one. I just feel tightness in my chest. The tears won’t fall. My heart won’t let go of them. I've been watching people around me cry freely and I am envious of them. I’m out of touch with that release. It feels like pressure. It feels like being strong for too long.
I realized today that I've allowed people, their personalities, and my reactions to them to harden my heart space. All this time I thought I was protecting myself. I’m not. I’m keeping life out. That makes me so sad, but I’m glad I recognized that THIS was what I've been doing. Am I ready to feel again? Am I ready to be vulnerable? Am I ready to warm and soften my heart? Am I ready to love? I mean REALLY love too. No facade, no posturing, no unnecessary walls.
This whole experience feels like a shedding. It feels like evolution. It’s been painful, but I am able to see the reward now. I’m done writing for now. Thank you for reading.
I'm Ellen Gee. When I'm honest, we learn things. When I'm not, we learn things too.
Capturing the Past